Resident Evil 1 Redesigned
by Rainbow Smite
Summary: As it turns out, trusting a guy who wears sunglasses all of the time might not be the best decision the team made as they fumble through an evil and inconsistent mansion filled with scientifically impossible monster.
1. DOA

I don't own Resident Evil, or any of the characters, aside from the people I put in here that weren't in the game, and ect. blah.

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After the S.T.A.R.S. team entered the mansion, and the good old "Hm, dark and stormy night, forest filled with monsters, one team member killed by a pack of half-rotted house dogs. Hey, let's hide in that foreboding mansion! What's that, stoic and mysterious team leader who somehow knows everything already and always has your sunglasses on as if hiding something, split up, and leave you alone in the mansion to wreak havoc on everything while we obliviously stumble through a zombie-infested manor? That's a grand idea!" (Moreover, I am only paraphrasing a bit here.) So, as I am deciding to go with the Jill and Barry path in this one, lets start the plot (and Wesker ) rape now.

Jill and Barry walked into a dining room, after hearing a series of gunshots.

"Oh my God, Barry is that blood?"

"I think it is! That person who fired the gunshots could be in trouble! Let's stall, I'll check the blood, and you, since you have the shitty little police standard issue gun, and I have the magnum, you go check it out!"

"Wow that makes so much sense! Oh hey, what's the shiny thing above the fireplace?"

After examining a crest that is not of any use until you're like a quarter of the way through the game, Jill leaves the room, and goes towards the illuminated half of the hall, and a wicked awesome cut scene of the zombie munching that loser, Kenneth something, but no one gives a damn about him, and I just hope that the zombie was the one who fired the shots, because my pride would have been killed if I had a full shotgun and I couldn't kill that zombie. Well, anyways…

(Authoress can be heard taking gasping breaths after that run-on sentence.)

"Oh, it's a zombie; I think I'll shoot every unvital part on its body before killing it." After apparently killing it, she runs back to Barry, who was still looking at the blood, and leaving everyone who's played the game wondering if he went color-blind in the process, because IT IS OBVIOUSLY BLOOD! HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE NOT TO KNOW THAT!

"Barry, watch out there's a monster like right behind me! I'm going to stand here and wait for you to kill it!"

Barry then deems it necessary to tell Jill "I'll take care of it!" And everyone thinks, 'why did you just tell us that you will take care of it, when it was so damned obvious that you would, and waste time in a kill or be killed situation?'

After Barry shot the zombie, but first hitting every nonvital part on its body, like that was necessary, because he was shooting the zombie at point blank. If I were in that situation (after panicking), I would have shot it in the head.

Then someone has the nerve to ask what it was! Hum, rotting human eating someone, not dying or reacting after being shot in various places, is that not the basic description of a ZOMBIE? He and Jill just walk out of the room.

Wesker, who said he would secure this area, is now gone, and they wonder where he is. I have narrowed down the possible answers to these:

A) Wesker found something that needed his immediate attention, like killing a monster or examining a noise

B) He was attacked by rabid fan girls.

C) Its April Fools day and he is invisible.

D) He is a sexy evil bastard that needed to go down into the labs and laugh at the dumb ass S.T.A.R.S members who cannot do jack.

If you picked A, you are an overly optimistic bastard who must die. If you picked B, you have yet to come to realize that this is my fic, I have a claim on Wesker in this one, and you are dumb and must be killed. If you picked C, then you are like my cousin Haley, if you read Random Parodies, you will learn about her, so because there can be only one Haley, you will be exterminated, and it is a wonder that you can read. If you picked D, than you may or may not be a smart person, but you are not dumb because you can see that there was something not right here.

"Jill, Wesker's not here, let's look around, but not leave this area." What? You don't want to leave this area to look for this guy? Do you really think that he's just like, at some odd angle that you can't see him or something? Really now, how dumb can you be?

After they examine the room, Barry decides that Wesker is, indeed, not here. "Jill, take this lock pick, even though you'll still need a ridiculous amount of keys to get through this place."

"Ok Barry, thanks." She then goes to the door on the right.

This room, in my not-so-humble opinion, is not that necessary. The only thing you get in here is a dagger and a map. I like maps, but they could have put the map in another room.

Anyway…

Jill went down the small hallway that was just a dead end in that room. In addition, because this is my fic, and I want to be there to berate the other people, instead of a zombie, she finds me, poking the zombie with a stick.

Jill thinks, 'What sort of sick place is this, turning a little girl into a zombie?'

Jill noted the almost white hair that was tangled all over the back of her head and white-ish skin. She couldn't see the face, but assumed that it would be all kinds of rotten.

Maddie heard the click of a gun then turned around. "Whoo, shit, watch where you're pointing that!"

"A talking zombie?"

"I'm not a zombie."

"Then why do you look like you clawed your way out of a grave?"

"So I haven't detangled my hair in like a month and I don't get a lot of sun!" (If you are wondering, I do have dry, tangled hair that's still bleached from when I dyed it teal, and I don't like the sun, it burns me.)

"I'm still not convinced."

"Oh for the love of… Could a zombie do this?" Maddie pulls out a magnum (my saying is a magnum is a girls best friend) and points it at Jill.

"Ok, I'm convinced."

"Good. Out of curiosity, did you wonder why someone left the door to a biohazard mansion like this unlocked? I mean, any common burglar would go into a mansion like this because it have something of value to steal in it, and they would get bitten by a zombie and then run outside, and die and bite other people! And you're an ex-cat burglar and all that jazz!"

"How did you know that?"

"I have my sources…" (I read the books. Yes, there are books.)

"You're sort of creepy…"

"I get that all the time. Let me change into my alter ego which was invented for this fic." Maddie then runs into the closet, which you don't get the key for until you beat the game once.

(A/N: I don't have an alter ego, just imagine me to look however you want me to, but make it sexy)

"How'd you do that?" Jill asked. "Does it matter? Let's go get that paridot arrow head so we can go get the Book of Curse and the sword key!"

"…What are you talking about?"

Maddie grabs Jill by the hand and pulls her towards the west hall staircase. On the way up, Jill notices some of the healing herbs. She then eats them, because you should totally eat some potted plant that is just growing in some crazy B.O.W. infested mansion.

Maddie watches, slightly amused. "Old sixties behavior that hard to break?"

"Whoa, look at the pretty colors…!"

"Right, hey look, the pretty colors are going up the stairs now, let's follow them!"

"Yay, pretty colors!"

And once Maddie shot the zombies promptly in the head, 'cause that's like the only way to kill them if you don't want to tote the dumb ass oil and lighter around, even though it's not really optional, because they don't let you aim really. However, Maddie just laughs at the splatter of gray matter, slime, and blood that now coat the walls.

"I hate this room and all these fucking mirrors! It makes me feel like I'm on something. You know, aside those 150 milligrams of Zoloft and 60 Ritalin, but those are prescription!"

Jill decides right after Maddie's pointless rant to snap out of it.

"Where are we?"

"Mirror hall, second story, lower western half of the mansion. I think that's right anyways… But here's the arrow we need, let's shift it and get out of this hall, shall we?"

"Um… ok then…"

The two then make it back to the main hall, and to the door that's painted to look like it leads farther into the mansion, out in to, dun dun dun, no creepy mansion would be complete without it, its own personal crumbling cemetery!

"Why the hell do these people have a cemetery in their back yard anyways? There aren't any names on the head stones! I don't think anyone is even berried back here! No zombies either! No living dead in a cemetery!" Jill rants. Sounds like she's finally getting a hold of the pointlessness of the place. (A/N: There aren't any zombies on hiking mode, or whatever the fuck it's called. God, it's like those lame-ass names of the Starbucks coffee sizes! However, on Mountain climbing mode there are a few.)

Maddie put the arrow head in its proper place and said "Duh, so they can hide a super zombie in a hanging coffin and hide the 'stone and metal object' inside it, the coffin, not the zombie."

"Ok…"

They then make that long trek down into the crypt, where Maddie grabs the Book of Curse, then grabs the sword key from the back, promptly tossing the book aside.

"Don't you want to read it?"

"No, it only holds some useless information about how to get the coffin down, which one can easily ascertain from the protrusions on the wall adjacent, because they are the focal point of the camera angle, and when you get back here, the focal point changes to the hanging casket, and one can only assume that you need to place something there, on the face-like protrusions I mean, to have the casket drop down, and once you find said object, its easy to tell where they go."

"Did you know that was one hell of a run on sentence, and you didn't breathe once, and two, what?"

"Basically what I said was you can guess what you need to do because of the camera angles, and you're really dumb."

"Works for me."

"Good, let's go kill stuff with extreme prejudice and unlock some doors!" Maddie runs away, then Jill shrugs and follows.

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I'd like to thank my editor Arnen, who has co-authored with me in Random Parodies.

Arnen takes over and adds stuff in after her editing

Muhahaha! I am the super-editor! dons a cape and leaps from a random building

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"I have Mountain Dew in my lungs!" -April, after swallowing Mountain Dew the wrong way.


	2. The First Death Mask

Note: This has been revised from its original form. If you see anything that does not add up, is too skippy, or is repeated, please notify me so that I may fix it. Also, if you see any mistakes, please feel free to point them out. And, if you want, flame away!

First, I would like to thank my reviewers: Roxas16, thanks for the ideas! I really needed some ideas and encouraging words! Thanks for the compliment!

Sara A. Wesker thanks for the words of encouragement!

The Moonlight Shadow Alchemist: I am glad you agree with me. And Alfred freaks me out to no end. -shivers- Its not that I don't like cross dressers, some of my friends are cross dressers, but he's in love with his sister man! That kid need some major therapy and needs to get laid, by some one other than his sister.

Please note that I have not had this edited yet, so bare with me here people.

Also, the reason this chapter is so short is because I am having a serious case of writers block, and I want people to know that I am not abandoning this fiction. And finally, suggestions for a new name for this story are welcomed.

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After Jill and Maddie go back inside the mansion, Maddie leads Jill up the stairs and to the door on the right, and stops in front of one of the little tables and grabs the wooden mount.

"Why do we need a piece of wood? " Jill asked.

"Because it turns into a map of the second floor. "

"Ok, that's really weird…"

Maddie shrugs and pulls Jill down the hall and to the very last door on the left and into the study.

"Ok, grab the dog whistle, and the lighter on the desk."

"Why?"

Maddie sighs. "Because it's just like everything else here and it all part of some grater bull shit puzzle, sort of like life." (A/N Fear my cynicism)

Maddie goes over to the other door in this room and stops to examine the door handle.

"Is there a puzzle on the door?" Jill asked.

"No, it's just that it's sort of odd to see door handles and not knobs. In Europe, with exception of the UK, I think, they use door handles instead of knobs, and I believe that this is happening In America."

"Ok… what did that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, just saying."

Maddie opened the door, promptly shot the zombie in the head and went down the hall to the last door in the hallway. The door led into a cozy little room with a fireplace.

"Jill, I need you to stick this piece of wood in the space over the fire place."

"Why?" Jill asked.

"Because I'm too short to do it, (A/N seriously, I'm only five foot, and that's on a tall day. But that would make since because legally, my mom still needs to be in a car seat) and once you do that and light the fire place, it turns into a map of the second floor."

After following Maddie's instructions, this did indeed give them a map.

"Come on, now we have to get stuff… Damn writers block sucks… AND GOD DAMN ALISON HAS MY VOICE RECORDER SO I CAN'T GET THE CUT SCENES RECORDED!"

Jill backs away cautiously. "Ok then…"

"It's time to go to the magic box and put some junk away."

Then they left the room, shot some zombies and went down some stairs with pictures that had no faces or some shit like that. Seriously, you can go check! And into a small side room with the magic box in it.

"What's so magic about it; it just looks like a chest to me…" Jill asked and stated.

"You see, you put some items in it, and when you find another box, it will have the same items in it. Why you can't just use the magic box to move from level to level, I don't know."

"Well, that's a pain in the ass."

"Yeah, grab that fuel tank and put some kerosene in it. However, we only get four uses from it even though that thing is only a little bigger than a brandy tumbler and that tank of kerosene has to have at least ten gallons in it! Also there's some ink ribbons, ammo, and a file about body desposal."

Doing what Maddie instructed her to do; they then left the room, and set the corpses on fire. Maddie laughed, being a sadistic pyromaniac. She laughs even harder when Jill was burnt because she failed to run away fast enough.

Jill glared at Maddie, but Maddie has the scariest glare of them all, so she was not bothered by it. After that, they chose to go through the only other door here.

"That's odd, it says that the knob is about to fall off, but when you see the door, it's a handle…"

When they left the area, Maddie was just about to go through the double doors at the end of that hall, when a zombie attacked Jill. Maddie decided that this would be the opportune time to use her new dagger on the zombie. Therefore, she casually walked over and rammed said dagger in the back of the zombie's squishy rotten head. And laughs.

She reached down to yank the dagger out of the back if the zombie's head; after all, it was a new dagger, when Jill advised against it.

"Now why the hell would I want to leave a perfectly good weapon in the back of its head?"

Jill was at a loss for words. When she thought about it, there really was no reason to do so. Maddie rolled her eyes and wiped the dagger on the zombie's shirt, going through the double doors and going down the hall until she selected the right door that led to a small fenced in area that's outside. She quickly picked up the herbicide.

"What do we need that for?"

"You will see."

Jill was wondering how Maddie knew so much about the mansion and all of its puzzles. The puzzles here were just mad, and come to think of it, Maddie wouldn't look out of place at the Mad Tea Party, changing positions every five minutes. (A/N great, now I made my self want tea. And not that sissy stuff. I make it so strong that even coffee pails in comparison. And I laugh at all those wimps who put cream and sugar in it.) They then went into the Cerberus hall, and killed two of those fucks. "Fun fact time!"

Maddie announced.

"Did you know that in Greek mythology, the Cerberus were the three headed dogs that guarded the gate to Hades?"

"Um… No I didn't. But how did you know that's what those monsters are called?"

"All shall be revealed in the end."

And now Jill was really stating to feel paranoid. So the pair went to the Woman Drawing Water room and from there into the main hall.

"Jill!" Berry cried. "I'm glad you're ok, I have some useless ammo for you, and I haven't found the gun for it yet!" He said gleefully.

"I hate you Berry you worthless ass…" Maddie said, giving him her sole eating glare. He shuddered.

"Who's she?"

And before Jill could answer, Maddie said, "Wesker's little helper, fuck off now please."

Berry blanched and ran away.

"Well that was effective. God I hate him. So worthless!"

"Why did he run away when you said you were Wesker's little helper? Are you Wesker's little helper?"

"He just had to go to the bathroom. And no, I am not Wesker's little helper; if I was, you would be dead by now… Actually I'm his enemy because I'm helping you. I like to make angry the men I like."

Jill, being stupid, accepted Maddie's reason and did not question her about why Wesker was trying to kill them.

They went up the stairs and to the right and into the upper runway and to the door that leads to the stair case and had Jill use her lock pick on a door (for once) and out to the west balcony, where she blew the dog whistle, killed two Cerberus, and picked up the collar, pushed a button, and threw the 'coin' at Jill. "Neat collar; has a secret compartment and every thing." Maddie puts the collar on. Jill looks confused and looked at the 'coin'.

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

Maddie sighs and shakes her head.

"Haven't you learned anything? Examine it stupid!"

Jill finds the button, pushes it, and it turns in to the imitation key.

"Ok, now we have to go back to the mirror hall way, and switch it with the real thing."

"Why couldn't we just take the real key?"

"Because if we did, we would activate another booby trap, and get killed."

"That's a good reason."

"As good as any."

They unlocked the door on the upstairs balcony, but went back the way the came.

"Hey, there's still stuff in here." Jill said.

"I know, but we'll come back to it later. Right now, I want to get that other key."

"Well, that was oddly unmean of you."

"'Unmean' is not a word, Jill."

"Never mind."

They went through the door back to the upper runway, and into the door to the Mirror Hall, and Jill was just about to enter the Armor Hall, when Maddie pulled out her gun and cocked it.

"What-." Jull was interrupted by the strange exhale of the previously dead man on the floor as he rose to his feet, and ran at them with a speed that zombies do not possess. Not really a problem, though. Maddie coolly pulled the trigger, and the force of bullet hitting it in the head sent it spinning to the floor, blood leaking out of the gaping hole in the back of its head.

"What the hell was that?" Jill asked.

"Well, I think that it would be obvious. You did read the body disposal file, didn't you?"

"Maybe…"

"My god, you lazy idiot. Didn't you wonder why I made you light the non-headshot zombies on fire?"

"I just thought it was an OCD thing, and the fact you're completely insane! Besides, who's going to argue with a crazy magnum wielding chick? Not me."

Maddie just rubbed the bridge of her nose. Why did everyone have to be so completely and utterly useless?

"Do you really think I would waist time doing that in this situation if it wasn't necessary? My god! You have no powers of deduction, do you?"

"Powers of what?"

Maddie cuffed her on the side of the head.

"You're wasting time. There are things that need doing, and I'm not going waist my time playing dictionary to a high school drop out."

"Hey, how did you know that?"

"Powers of deduction."

And they went through the door.

Maddie made fun of the suicidal notes on the shields. Maddie picked up the key, and the sound of gears turning was heard. One of the statues of armor came at them, spiked shield spinning, as the walls closed in and the knight behind them moved forward.

"Uh-oh." Maddie said.

Jill was beginning to panic, the armor was getting closer, and what was Maddie doing, where was the imitation key?

"What, what's wrong?" the nervousness heavy in her voice.

"I think I dropped the imitation key…"

"You what?!"

"I had it a second ago!"

The armor was getting closer. They looked around franticly, not seeing the key! Just as it was about to impale Jill, Maddie gave an evil cackle and put the imitation key in its place. Clicks and whirls were heard, the armor retreated, and the hall was once again normal.

"Fooled you!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!"

She grabbed Maddie by the throat and rammed her against the wall. Maddie just continued to laugh, which only made Jill angrier.

"If I were in any really danger, I would have just put the key back! I am not stupid you know! Besides, I just love to make people squirm!" Maddie pulled out her magnum and put it to Jill's head. "Besides, you wouldn't hurt a person with a magnum, would you?" She asked, making a pouty face.

Jill dropped her as if she was burning her hands and Maddie just laughed more. She walked off, making an off-handed jester for Jill to follow, back still turned.

After making their way to the correct hallway, Maddie dragged Jill to the other room in this hall; you know, the one with the fish tank thing on one side and the bedroom on the other? Once in that room, they go to the bedroom on the right.

"Look, there are foot prints leading straight through the bed into the wall!" Jill said.

"Yeah, but that's just a plot hole, I haven't figured it out yet, and I've beat this game at least three times! Grab the first aid spray so we can get out of this room, it pisses me off."

Jill followed, grabbed the first aid spray, left, and went to the other door. On the other side of said door, they met Barry reading some file.

"Hey Jill, look what I found!" He handed the file to Jill. After she was done reading it, Maddie quickly scanned it while he spoke to Jill.

"What do you make of it?" Barry asked.

"What is there to make of it? I think it's pretty up front And what kind of a name is Crackhorn. I wonder how many times that guy got made fun of in school." Maddie said, crossing her arms.

"I think it says that he was infected with a virus that makes you go to sleep forever!" Jill said, very excited.

"I think you're right, Jill! That must mean that there are two viruses!" Barry said.

Maddie had heard enough. She hit them both on the head. "No, you hulking morons, that means that the guy killed himself after catching the 'zombie virus' as we shall call it for the moment. When he wrote 'eternal sleep' it means that he's going to die. He's using it as a metaphor for death!" Maddie said, outraged.

"Oh…" the two said in unison.

"Now get the hell out of here, Barry. Go do whatever the hell it is you do before I'm forced to call Wesker."

"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am!" he said, leaving in a hurry.

"By Barry!" Jill waved to him as he stumbled out the door.

"F.A.S. much, Jill?

"What?"

"Oh, never mind!"

Maddie then went about doing the puzzle in the room, grabbing the fish hook from one of the display cases, a bee lure from the case that held various insect specimens, and a bee specimen from a case that held fishing lures. She then combined the bee lure with the fishhook, and how she does so without glue or tape is unknown to the world. She puts the bee specimen in the insect case and puts the bee lure in the lure case, runs back and pushes a switch (though how you push a switch I don't know. You push a button and flip a switch for those of you who didn't get that) and took the wind crest from behind the insect case.

After that, the bee came alive and attacked them, so Maddie killed it. "How the hell did that thing come alive? Some preserving fluid was probably covering it! I mean, I know the whole T-virus thing, but come on, its muscles would be so atrophied by now that it wouldn't be able to move!"

"How do you know this stuff?" Jill asked, for some reason ignoring the part about the T-virus.

"My mom is like Jeopardy smart, and I listen to her a lot." Maddie said.

Jill shrugged and said, "What's the wind thing for?"

"So we can get the magnum."

"I thought you had a magnum already?"

"I do, but you need one, too."

"Good point…

"Not that you'll kill anything with it; no one on your team can aim!" Maddie taunted "Except for -fan girl sigh- Wesker!"

"Shut up…" Jill said.

Going back down the stairs, the alcove with the door to the magic box had a piece of paper taped to the wall to its right. It read the following:

Dear Wesker's Little Helper… and Jill to.

I got sum things to help you with. Tell Wescker that I hellpt his Little Helper, and I ben doin a good job helpen her and that I luv my family lots.

-Barry

"I'll give him a C+ for effort, and an F- for everything else." Maddie said, not caring. On the bottom of the paper, she wrote the following:

Dear Barry,

You are an ass who spells worse than I do. You can suck my metaphorical cock.

-Wesker's Little Helper

They sifted through the semi worthless carp Barry left, and then went to the Stained Glass Hall.

"Right, now what?"

"Make the accessories on the other people match the chick's in the picture in the front."

"Do I get a death mask?"

"Yep."

"Sweet."

"Like Wesker."

Jill just looked at Maddie.

"What? He's hot…"

So anyway…. Because I have a short attention span…

They then go out into the fenced in area of the grave yard, and Jill uses her lock pick to unlock it.

"And why did you not do that from the start?" Maddie asked, annoyed.

"I don't know..." Jill replied.

Maddie shook her head, and took Jill back down the seemingly endless flight of stairs into the crypt and set the death mask in place. One of the chains broke and Maddie danced in the raining blood causing Jill's eye to twitch.

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"Giant Dinosaur Penis!" -Erin, on you don't want to know.


	3. The Second Death Mask

Note: This has been revised to follow the game better. If you see anything that does not add up, is too skippy, or is repeated, please notify me so that I may fix it. Also, if you see any mistakes, please feel free to point them out. And, if you want, flame away!

I hope this ties you over for a while because I'm lazy and haven't updated in soooooo long.

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Maddie shook, sending a spray of blood all over every thing. She just giggled, and decided it was time to get that shotgun and the next death mask.

"Come on; time to gather weapons and another death mask."

Jill made sure to keep her distance from her. She really was a psychopath! What sort of person would dance in raining blood? Well apparently the ones who make you think you were about to die. If she made it out alive, she was never having kids. She watched as Maddie wrenched an arm off a dead zombie and bludgeons another to death with it and laughs. Nope, never having kids. Never ever!

Maddie took Jill back to the Puking Zombie Hall. Why call it that, you ask? Well, give me a moment.

"Hey, this is that hall we didn't explore!" Jill said, excited.

"Well, you must have some photographic memory to have figured that out." Maddie said, unimpressed.

"That was sarcasm, right?"

As Maddie continued to walk down the hall, she continued to talk. "My god, what is wrong with you? I swear to god, the whole world has gotten five times dumber than the last time I wrote something… Zombie, one o'clock!" Maddie took care of the issue, shooting it in the head, as she usually did, considering it was the most effective way to do things. "Is it just me, or are there only around three sets of zombies in this whole entire place?"

However, while taking care of one nuisance, another stumbled up the stairs. Before either of them could react, the zombie, without missing a beat, put its head down and barfed. Maddie raised an eyebrow.

"Did- did that zombie just barf?" Jill asked.

"Lovely, isn't it?" Maddie replied. She took aim, and shot it in the head. "Repulsive bastered." They walked down the stairs while dodging puddles of regurgitated stomach acid.

At the bottom of the stairs and to the right, was a dead man, laying face to floor.

"Set him on fire." Maddie instructed.

"Why?" Jill asked.

Maddie rolled her eyes, "do you want him to get up?"

"No-"

"Then set him on fire!" Jill finally followed her directions and set the rotting basterd on fire.

"You know, you would think that just charring their backs wouldn't do anything. And why do they go up in flames so easily? Yeah, the kerosene, but after that was burnt away, you think the fire would just go out. Look how wet these things are, they're covered in just about every fluid that the human body can make, and they're more flammable than dried wood!"

"I think I have something in my shoe…"

"You weren't listening to one god damned word I just said, were you?"

"Uh, no."

Maddie shook her head and was about to go through the door by the burned corpse.

"Oh, and Jill?"

"Yes?"

"I would be more surprised if there wasn't anything in your shoe." Maddie then went through the door.

Jill stood there for a moment, thinking. "Oh, I get it! You're talking about the fact that my foot is in my shoe, and you'd be surprised if it wasn't!"

"Stop babbling and get in here!" Maddie shouted from beyond the door.

"Oh, coming!" Jill yelled and proceeded to go through the door.

Maddie was sitting on a little bed pushed into the corner.

"Nothing of much use here. A magic box, a type writer, and I think some ink ribbon."

"What are all these bottles?"

"Most of them you can't read, and we really don't have time to try."

After messing around with items and type writer, they left to go get the broken shotgun. They then went to a small, dark and dusty room, where the reek of decay and ages long forgotten lingered. Maddie found what she was looking for: an old and broken shotgun.

"Hm, this room is oddly dark. Most of the other rooms are lit with candles at least. Almost as if someone was waiting for us, or at least you and your team, to be here."

Jill thought for a moment. She was right. Most of the rooms and halls had candles and blazing fires that were freshly lit as if only moment ago they had been occupied. If it had been just electric lights, maybe that would be okay. But candles burn away rather fast, and the zombies looked to have been dead quite some time. The thought disturbed her.

Her chain of thought was interrupted by Maddie. "Are you quite done standing there. Ten minuets must have passed by now. Come on, fill your thing with kerosene, we're behind schedule."

"You have a schedule?"

"Yes, and I can see it running away. Now hurry up!" Maddie snaped impatiently.

Jill did what she was told, not wanting to invoke the wrath of Maddie. (Wise choice) They exited, backtracked, and ended up in a room with carvings of what looked like Greek or Roman mythology carved on the walls. However, something just did not bode well in that room. Even though it was beautiful, Jill wanted to leave. Maddie, being unaffected as she always was, went through another door into an overly polished looking room. It looked like it had never been used once and some of the rooms in this mansion looked as if there had been wild drunken parties in all of them at least twice.

"Take the shotgun off of the mount and replace it with the broken one. I'm too short to do it myself."

Being the good sheep that she was, Jill did as told, and started to leave the room.

"Why did we have to go through all that?"

"If we didn't leave anything there, the ceiling of the room in front of this one would have come down and killed us."

Once again, they went back to the hall where the broken shotgun was. Maddie went through to the very end of that hall through another door.

Inside was a gigantic plant with lots of vines. Jill, having not learned her lesson about approaching things in a monster-infested mansion went near the plant, and ofcourse, was bitch slapped, hard. "Did- did that plant JUST BITCH SLAP ME?" Jill continued to try to get around the plant, dodging this way and that. Eventually, the inevitable happened and she was tangled up in all the vines, beating on them and biting.

"YOU GOD DAMNED PLANT! LET ME GO! I JUST WANT THE FUCKING DEATH MASK!"

However, alas, plants, much like snakes, lack ears. (A/N seriously, snakes have no ears) Maddie was having laughing fits watching this, but because of her short attention span, dumped the bag of herbicide into a tank in a corner of the room. The water bled from clear to crimson. Quite a lovely color, red like blood, like death. Funny really, that this would kill that thriving monstrosity. And what a pity at the same time the thing had so much potential. Unlike the worthless pawn that it was now engaged in combat with. Jill was so blind. Running head long into combat, never thinking about other, manipulative possibilities. Maddie had always thought that she was an ok fighter, not like that was hard to accomplish, but she had always been good at thinking and sneaking around. False smiles and kindness had so many people wrapped around her fingers now… But she so easily got bored with them, abandoning them and moved on to the next, leaving the person to wonder what had happened to them.

But what Maddie did not know was that she had an infantile outlook on life. If its not there in front of me or interacting with me, it might as well not exist. The world was made for me and only me. These are my servants to cater to my every whim. She was such a selfish child…

Maddie was interrupted from her musings by Jill being gagged by the plant, turning blue in the face. She shook her head like one might at a young child, and pushed the red button, sending the fast acting poison to kill the plant.

It withered and died, dropping Jill to the ground.

"BITCH! THAT'S THE SECOND TIME IN LESS THAN AN HOUR THAT YOU ALMOST LET ME DIE!"

"ALMOST being the key word here, Jill. You did not die, and unfortunately for me that plant did not have as much of a damaging effect on your vocal cords as it should have." She said spitefully. Adding as an afterthought, more to herself than to Jill, "I really need a bitch slapping plant in my room… But there is that second death mask. We need to get out of here, this room is, much like you, trying my patience, and I don't have very much of that."

She left the room after Jill took the mask, and instead of going back through the door, she made a sharp left and low and behold, zombies jumped in through the windows! But because Maddie had magical powers of killing stuff, she killed them all no problem.

"Come on, there's still one more room I want to get to in here." Maddie then took Jill to said room. It had two beds, two closets, and some personal things. Among said personal things, was a journal from one of the guards. Maddie, being the nosey bitch that she is, read it. Hell, the person who wrote it was dead, in a manor of speaking that is. She laughed at the last entry, the only thing it said was, "Itchy tasty."

"This would prove that this disease would be air born as well as from direct contact. This would mean that we are susceptible to it regardless of being bitten. It's odd that we don't catch it."

"As long as we don't catch it, I don't care."

"You really are a very simple minded person, aren't you, Jill?"

"Yep, and that's what gets me through the day!"

They turned around only to have a zombies try to attack them, but Maddie was ready, because it was so DAMNED obvious that that would happen. She killed the zombies, and left the room.

They ended up back in the first hall and led Jill to the last door witch was locked with an armor emblem on the doorknob. Maddie had the key for that, so they just went in.

"The only thing of any interest in here is around the corner and behind the book shelf."

Maddie looked only to see Jill stuffing one of the bottles of alcohol in her pockets. Maddie didn't care; Jill probably did things better drunk anyways. Sort of like Mom when she cooks drunk… Then again, she puts wine in everything, and wine makes anything taste better. But she might just get drunk and kill her self. So Maddie just went with her usual path of indifference and went to get the first sheet of music. "Ok, lets get the hell out of here. I hate this room right now because I have writers block. And now it's time to go check on Forest and get some more weapons."

"Forest made it?"

Maddie snicker. "Sort of."

And off they went.

Maddie led Jill, just like she always does, out of the hall, into and out of the dinning room, up the stairs in the main hall, to the right and to the last door on that side to an outside walk way.

"I hate this place too. So many odd angles it almost makes you think that you're going to fall off at any moment."

"Everything pisses you off."

"Yep." They continued untill they ran into Barry.

"Jill, what are you doing here?"

"I don't know. What about you?"

"I was looking for the bathroom. Oh, look, forest!"

"I can see that Barry, we are in the woods."

"Oh, I forgot."

"It's all right. Oh, look, the person Forest is here." Jill examined his face. "Forest, have you had bad plastic surgery?"

Having had enough of the pointless crap, Maddie interjected, "no, his face looks like was eaten off." (A/N I know it looks more like crows got to him, but it's funnier this way.)

"That's terrible! What could have done this!" at this point, there was the sound of a record being swiftly stopped.

"Have either of you been paying any attention? This place is full of zombies and crows! How could you not know what happened?"

"Maybe he fell and scrapped his face."

"Yeah, I know every time I fall, my eyes fall out and my face just get ripped off."

"Oh, look, I found his grenade launcher! It has all the ammo left! You can have it, Jill."

"Thanks, Barry.'

"What a loser. Full ammo and he was still eaten."

"Maybe it snuck up on him."

"And he didn't try to kill it? He would have had to be attached, run, climb up to this balcony, and sit down and die, then be eaten by crows. And hold on one moment, wasn't he the guy who was attacked by the Cerberuses in the forest? I swear it was him! I suppose he… no, if that _was _him, there's no way he could be here. We're leaving." Maddie grabbed Jill and pulled her back to the main hall.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" said Maddie.

"Forgot what?"

"Forgot the massive amounts of incendiary rounds! To the magic box!"

In the magic box room (the fist one you come to, as that one is my favorite for some reason), a complicated ritual involving place moving and magic boxness. It went something like this:

1) Put all items in item box  
2) Put Grenade Launcher in upper-left item slot  
3) Put Incendiary Rounds in upper-right item slot  
4) Close box  
5) Open inventory  
6) Equip Grenade Launcher  
7) Open box  
8) Select Incendiary Rounds from inventory  
9) Press ''A'' twice  
10) Move cursor to Incendiary Rounds inside box  
11) Press ''A'' twice

This is one reason I am _so_ damn good at this game. Maddie then handed the grenade launcher which now contained massive amounts of incendiary rounds to Jill. "That was amazing! How did you do it?" "A little thing called the internet, Jill."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Excuse my friend, he was punted as a baby." -Aaron, on when Mike said something dumb, again.


	4. The Third Death Mask

At night, on some beach somewhere, Maddie sits in a lawn chair, in swim suit and sun glasses, relaxing with Ira, her imaginary vampire (Ira is a boys name. If you don't believe me, look it up.), and various other figmentary affiliates.

"Hey, Maddie?" Ira asked.

"Meh, what?"

"Don't have a Resident Evil parody to write?"

"Oh crap, you're right! By guys, I have people to harass!"

A choirs of goodbyes could be heard as Maddie ran off to get into costume and get back into the Resident Evil world.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"All right," Maddie said, "it's time for the third Death Mask. Oh, and don't forget Richard."

"Is he like, us alive?" Jill asked.

"I don't know about _us_ alive, but he's definitely _you_ alive." Maddie said smugly

"Oh, that's a relief." Jill said.

"Yeah, lets all shed tears of joy." Maddie said, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. "Now come on!"

They went to the upper east hall, and to the doors that looked like they were armor plated. When they went inside of the room, four suites of armor moved forward. In the middle of them, there was a small podium with a button on it. Jill was just about to press it, when Maddie stopped her.

"You idiot! Can't you see the warning? If you push the button, gas will come out of vents behind the suites of armor!"

"How do you know it will be gas?"

"Well,

A) It's always gas.

B) I can see the vents."

"Oh…"

"Now, you have to push them in the order of far right, close left, close right, and the far left one will move back by some mechanism, hence covering the gas vents and making if safe to push that button that will somehow make the little alcove with the box that has the Death Mask open."

"Okay…"

Jill did as told, because Maddie was the brains, and she was the brawn. After that tedious but necessary exercise, they got the "mysterious box".

Jill seemed to be having issues opening the "mysterious box" as demonstrated by the fact that she was throwing it all over the place, jumping on it, bashing it against walls, trying to pull it apart… But Maddie just watched in amusement. She knew the secret of the "mysterious box" because she was Omnipotent.

Finally, Jill gave up and, with head hanging, she handed the "mysterious box" to Maddie.

"Fix it…" she said, sounding defeated.

Maddie took the box. "I can't."

"What?" Jill asked in astonishment.

Maddie pushed the two buttons on the box, and lo and behold, it opened. "I can't fix it, because it's not broken." she said smugly. "Now it's time to go say hi to Richard."

"Where is he?"

"Right down the hall."

So that's where they went.

"Richard!" Jill cried as she saw him stumble, hit the wall, and collapse. "What happened?"

"Don't you think that the most logical questions would be what monster attacked you?"

"Oooh, she's right Jill, that was kind of dumb of you. Ouch… It was a giant snake with ADD. After it bit me, leaving a wound that's totally not to scale because its mouth is way lager than his, it ran off. Man this sucks." Richard said, groaning in pain.

"You mean it slithered off." Maddie pointed out.

"Errr… Yeah, that's what I meant. Jill, this whole place is filled with monsters!"

"Um, yeah, duh. I think we had noticed that already, but thank you for the warning." Maddie said.

"Oh, my liver! Just go get the serum!"

"Don't you mean 'anti-venom'?" I don't even think I need to state who said that.

"Whatever!"

"Come on, Jill Let's go get the annoying little basterd some _anti-venom_." Maddie stressed anti-venom.

So, after an uneventful trip to the little drug room, where somehow they knew exactly what type of giant mutant snake it was and found the right bottle with no label that assumingly once had the label "Anonymous Giant Mutant Snake Anti-venom" written on it, the hauled ass back to Richard.

"Richard, I'm going to give you a shot now, okay?"

"Jill, I don't think he really cares how you give it to him."

"She's right again, Jill. You could shove it up my ass for all I care, just fucking give it to me."

After Jill gave him the anti-venom, Richard gave Jill his radio, but by our powers of deduction, we all already know it wont work. Maddie then asked Jill a question.

"Hey, Jill, where did you get that needle?"

"I don't know…"

"Well, that's very specific."

They then went through the door that led to an oddly placed dinning room and an attic like store room. Maddie hung back a bit, magnum at the ready, while Jill went up the small set of stairs. A zombie of the vomiting genus rounded to corner at that time, spotted Jill, and tried to get her. After shooting it randomly a few times, she managed to make a head shot. But, it had been just about to vomit on her, so she managed to get hit with stomach acid. (A/N this happened to me. I think it was a glitch.)

They then went through the door that led to an oddly placed dinning room and an attic like store room. Maddie hung back a bit, magnum at the ready, while Jill went up the small set of stairs. A zombie of the vomiting genus rounded to corner at that time, spotted Jill, and tried to get her. After shooting it randomly a few times, she managed to make a head shot. But, it had been just about to vomit on her, so she managed to get hit with stomach acid. (A/N this happened to me. I think it was a glitch.) "Ew…" Jill said, now covered in zombie vomit and brains. Maddie just laughed cruelly at the situation.

"Not very smart of you, was it?"

"Bite me."

"Maybe if you were a cute guy not covered in zombie. The door behind you is locked for the time being, there's no real reason to stand there. But the other door," Maddie indicated to the other door down the shot hallway, "is unlocked, so I think it's safe to say that the other door is much wiser choice. Not that you would know anything about wise choices." Maddie led Jill to the other room.

"Wow, it's dark in here." Jill said. "How will we see anything?"

"Don't you have a _lighter,_ Jill?"

"Oh yea…" Jill lit the… lighter, reveling that it was some kind of personal dinning room.

"Well, this is an odd place for a dinning room. It deviates from the norm even by _my_ standards." Maddie said, crossing her arms, once again. "You can light those candles over there, if you want some more light. Behind that _ oh so inconspicuous _ china cabinet is the rest of the sheet music we need, and a zombie. On the main table here is a hand gun magazine, and over there on that shelf thing is some shotgun ammo. And now that we all know I would make a wonderful tour guide, take care of that stuff."

Jill did as instructed while Maddie took a seat at the little table, head in hands as she sat watching the candle flames.

"What's the matter, getting sleepy?" Jill tried to taunt.

"No, I was thinking that giant snake is in that locked room… Well, not necessarily in the room, but gets into the mansion that way, then Richard would have had to have spare key to that room, or there's another way for it to get into this hall. And would candles really make the room _this _bright?"

"I'm hungry. I wonder if there's anything to eat in here?" Jill had given up a long time ago trying to make sense of Maddie's rants, and Maddie had long ago given up on trying to get Jill to listen. If she even tried in the first place is still being debated.

"You idiot, come on. You have to go play the piano now." Maddie said, frustrated. "Shift it!"

On the way out, Maddie yelled to Richard that it was such a lovely time and place for a nap, and gave him a kick to the side. Another one of her mottoes was "kick 'em while they're down." And they had quite the uneventful walk to the dinning room.

"Grab that wooden crest above the mantel."

"Why?"

"For a puzzle that really makes no sense. But what else is new?" Jill did as told, and they had another rather uneventful walk to the Piano Room.

"Now, play Moonlight Sonata."

"Why do _I _ have to do it?"

"Because, regrettably, I cannot play piano…"

"That's about the _only _thing you can't do."

"I can't fly."

"Well how do I know that?"

"Do you really want to argue about whether or not I can fly?"

"I did, but now I don't."

"Play. Now."

For some reason, Jill felt it necessary to play - not at the beginning - but at around twenty-two seconds into the song. A wall opened up to reveal a hall with windows looking into the Bitch Slapping Plant room, a statue of a woman with a removable golden plate on the base, and the diary of Trevor, the guy who built the mansion.

"Well, the only thing this reveals is that this guy has a memory problem, and that he's annoying. Take the Golden Emblem, and replace it with the wooden one."

"Why?"

Maddie sighed and put her face in her hands. "Why have we done anything tonight, Jill? It's all part of the way that allows you to get our of here _breathing_."

"Um, okay."

Finally doing as told, Jill took the Golden Emblem, and the wall began to close in a very slow manor that you would most likely be able to run under without creating much of a problem. But Jill being Jill, and that being none too bright, began to panic.

"Why'd you have me do that? Now we're going to die in here!"

"Well, _I'm_ going to die from over exposure to idiocy. Place the wooden emblem here and the wall will go up."

"Oh…" she did as told, and the wall went up.

"Something tells me that if I weren't here, you would just end up shooting yourself in the face."

"Would not."

"I don't care anymore. Come on."

Jill grumbled and they went back the dinning hall. Maddie made Jill place the Golden Emblem above the mantel so the clock on the other side of the room could do whatever the hell it does.

To be honest with you, I can't really figure out why it would need a different emblem. The only reason I can think of is that, well, let's Maddie elaborate on this for you, okay?

"The only reason I can think of is that either it's a weight thing, so we could have just pushed on it make it open, or that there's some small medal detector in there, but I don't know if they make them that small. But I guessing that assuming that the emblem is made of gold. If it was made of something lighter, you would think that the clock would do its thing, at least for a moment, when the emblem was removed. So in theory, with two people, you wouldn't need the emblem."

"Riiighhht…" Jill nodded in mock understanding.

Maddie took Jill over to the clock and the morbid picture.

"You see how one guy has his long sword through the other's head, on the other has his short sword thought the first's breast? Now we go to look at the clock. See how the face has the symbols of the an armor, a shield, a sword, and a helmet? Well, what you have to do is oh fuck it! If it took you longer than five minuets to figure this out, you get a punch in the face!" Maddie then punched Jill in the face.

"Ow, what was that for?"

"It would have taken you longer than five minuets to figure it out."

"Oh…"

Maddie then moved the "large hand" which then somehow moved the short hand to point the little symbol of the breast plate, armor, what the fuck ever. (A/N in my game, you tell it to move the long hand, and it moves the short hand, and vis-à-vis.) The clock chimed annoyingly, and it moved to reveal a hole in the wall that hid the Shield Key.

ooooooooooooo

Well, that's it for this time, kids. Sorry that took so long. Shit came up, I'm a procrastinator, I was sick, had to deal with the whole birthday thing., by-the-buy, it's the 15th of May, I was kidnapped by some friends yesterday and was taken to go see "Twenty-eight Weeks Later" for the second time, which I highly recommend. Twice the gore and explosions as the first one. It's just a good thing the people who work at the theater don't check for ID or anything. Well, after mentioning birthdays, I want to listen to "The Birthday Massacre" while I go play "F.E.A.R." on my BRAND NEW PS3! Or I could work on homework… Nah! Tell me if you see anything wrong so I can fix it. 'Till next time!

"Are you all nice and clean?"

"No, Mom, I just took a shower in fucking mud." -Mom and Maddie after Maddie showered. And yes, I _can_ speak that way to my mother.


	5. The Fourth Death Mask and Yawn

What happened to the other chapter, you ask? Well, it's still here, I just combined it with the first half, so it would make more sense. I don't know, I'm OCD like that sometime. This took awhile because I'm a lazy bitch, and I like to be candid, so yeah… on with the chapter.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"_Another_ key?" Jill asked, annoyed.

"What did you think it was, ice-cream?"

"No! I thought it would be a… I don't know."

"I've notice…"

"Oh yeah?"

Maddie gave her an uninterested look. "Yes… Come on. There's stuff to do."

"I don't know if you've noticed this, but half of the time you don't tell me what we have to do next."

"Wow, that has to be one of the most observant things I think I have ever heard you say. And the reason I don't tell you is because I really don't find it worth my time to do so. Besides, if I did, you most likely would not come and do what has to be done. Break time's over. Come on, there's foes to vanquish and what not."

So, it was time for the first boss fight, and the last death mask.

Maddie took Jill to the Middle Eastern Hall, (it's not decorated like that, that's it location in the mansion) and unlocked the door. "It's time to meet Yawn."

"Who's Yawn?" Jill asked as they went through the door. At that moment, a giant snake appeared.

"That's Yawn." Maddie introduced.

"Oh… I see… But why Yawn? Why not Fang, or Slithery, or something else like that?"

In the mean time, Maddie had stayed behind as Jill had walked right into the center of the room, being the idiot that she was. "When it hisses, it looks like its yawning." Maddie explained.

"Oh."

Jill, who had this whole time been looking into the face of death like one would idly wait in line at a phone booth, just stood there, thinking about who knows and who really cares anyway? In the mean time, Richard had made an incredibly fast recovery from the brink of death, leaving some of us to believe he had just been smoking PCP while Jill and Maddie had been in the boss room. So, just in the nick of time, whatever the hell that means, he jumped in with his assault rifle, and yelled rather dramatically, "Pay back time!"

Now, let me tell you, folks, if snakes had eyebrows, it would have raised one without hesitations. So, the fight was on, but Maddie jus hung back. She had an appreciation for snakes, for whatever reason, and would not hurt this one unless it got in the way of her main goal, which will be reviles at the end, or the middle, or you may have already figured it out, depending on smart you are.

So, as the Not so Epic Battle goes on, Maddie hangs back, examining her nails, (which are the most lovely shade of red that I like to call "No, Liz, You Can't Use it, that is Ten Dollars a Bottle at Macy's") and humming the lullaby from Pan's Labyrinth (which does not belong to me, just to mention it just in case, and personal penalty for over use of the word just).

After round one of the Not so Epic Battle, one of characters said thank you. The voice sounded totally indistinguishable at that time, but I'm assuming that it's Jill, because I can't think of a reason why Richard would say thank you right now, when the snake decided it was time for round two, and that it was hungry. So, as it went to eat Jill, (smart snake) who stood there like a dear in fucking head-lights, so Richard pushed her our of the way, and was eaten by Yawn. Alive.

Jill gave a rather unconvincing cry of Richard, while Maddie winced. Also, I would like to take this moment to say that snakes like freshly killed meat. The key word here is _killed_. I have never heard of a snake eating anything other than and insect alive, if even that, in all the years I have spent watching Animal Planet. "That's impossible." Maddie said, shaking her head. And the fight was quickly ended by Maddie shooting Yawn. It then either decided it had been beaten for the time being, or its ADD was working up again, so it went through a hole in the roof. "I get his assault rifle!" Jill said, excitedly.

"Wow, I can see you're _really_ shaken up by the death of your friend. Well, there's some shot gun shells hidden over there, and the _Final Death Mask_," Maddie was then interrupted by some odd dun dun dun sound. "Hu… that was… odd."

"Oh, let my try! **Final Death Mask**!" again, the annoying sound.

"Yeash, talk about a pain in the ass. Come on, let's go take care of this crap, I'm getting thoroughly annoyed, again."

Jill shrugged, and they left the room. On the way out, Jill stumbled. "Have I been poisoned? Oh, serum!"

"Oh my god! It's anti-venom! For the last fucking time you dumb bitch! And hell, for all we know, it's from eating too many weird plants from this house! I wonder how many exclamation points I just used? I feel the need to make a command or a statement. Okay, we're fine to move on now." (For those of you who didn't get that, a command or a statement ends with a period, and I had just used all the other forms of ending punctuation)

"Um, hello, poisoned?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Come one, Oh So Stupid One."

Also, I would like to take this moment to say that it's not like I can't get through that part without getting bitten, it's just that if you do, Berry comes and I really hate him. I think I want a cookie… I just had some noodles and tea, but not _that _many noodles so… Oh, sorry… um, what? Damn, _Quality Cookies _my ass, these things taste like cardboard and flower. Yuck. Oh well, fuck it. I'll just eat more chips. Yum, taste like jalapeños. Okay, seriously now, what the fuck was I doing? Oh yeah!

They left that odd hallway, and into the hallway Richard was in. Oddly enough, there was a zombie in it.

"Pause!" Maddie exclaimed.

"What? I've been poisoned!"

"Oh, don't worry, you'll be fine. But zombies can't open doors, 'you grant that?'"

'"I suppose so."'

'"Well, then' how did _this_ one get in here?"

"Vital organs… shutting down…"

"Oh, fine, you big baby."

And then they were off to go and get the _ant-venom_. I wonder how you italicize a period? I didn't, by-the-bye. I don't usually italicize ending punctuation.

So, off they were again, all the way to the Drug Room, where Jill used the _anti-venom_. And then, they were off to the next boss.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Those are the lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, chapter six, "Pig and Pepper" when she speaks with the Cheshire Cat for the first time. I think you can tell who quotes what. I have been told that of the characters of the book, I resemble him the most. Personality wise, obviously.

But I decided to leave you in a bit a suspense here, mostly because I'm lazy, and I want to do something else now. If you see any mistakes, tell me. Oh, and prizes for the people who didn't need to be told about the reference. I almost forgot, I have decided to add little quotes from every day life here.

"Hell has frozen over."- Alison, after being told that I cried at the end of Pan's Labyrinth.


	6. Of Cookies, Misunderstandings, and Lame

Hi! Sorry about not doing anything as of late, I've been busy doing nothing at all. You know how it is. The main reason I haven't done anything is that I lost my Resident Evil game. You see, my writing process is to play the game, pause when I notice something, write it down in my purple notebook (trust me, you don't want to read what's in the blue one, that's very important.), type that, and do a half-assed job of editing, then post. Moreover, anyone who has ever posted a story on fan fiction knows that posting in its self is quite the task. But, I wrote this. Someone suggested it, and I wasn't going to do it, but things change.

(filler)

In a dark living room somewhere, a shadowing figure can be seen sleeping on the couch, a smaller figure sleeping on its chest. Another shadowy figure can then be seen walking up to the sleeping one, shaking it awake.

"Wake up, bitch, you have stuff to do."

"Ira? What the fuck time is it?"

Ira rolls his eyes and looks at the clock. "Three-ish" Shadowy Figure One pushed Smaller Figure on Chest off. Said figures meows in distress.

"Get off of me, Aggie; I have to go to the bathroom." The disturbed cat goes to sleep at the end of the couch in a huff. A groping hand then reaches out to the oval coffee table, in search of ill-fitting glasses. "Aw, fuck, I smudged the lens!" Ira roles his eyes, and watches as Maddie stubbles for the door that will, eventually, lead the bathroom. Maddie then runs into the door. "Yeah, that's definitely a door, can't walk through that." she mumbles. Ira is getting dizzy form all the eye rolling at this point.

Maddie hobbles to the bathroom, as Ira turns on the computer. More running into things, and finally a flush can be heard. The door opens, and Maddie makes her way back the couch, but is intercepted by Ira, who pushes her to the computer. "Parody. Now."

"But Ira," Maddie whines, "it's three-ish, I'm in a dirty tee-shirt and underwear, (A/N that's what I sleep in) I've got morning breath that could kill, and I'm tired!"

"Don't care, write."

"Suck my metaphorical cock, Ira, I'm going back to sleep." Maddie goes back to bed (couch), and the cat jumps on her chest as Maddie drops off the sleep. Ira sighs and goes back to sitting on the love seat as Aggie (the cat) watches him with wary green eyes.

"What are you looking at? I'm not going to wake her up again, it's pointless, you know." Aggie just yawns in response.

Ok, now on to the thing that was suggested.

Wesker sighed. There had to be a better way to lure Barry to him than this. If any of you are wondering what "this" is, it is Barry's favorite food: jalapeño chip mustered cookies dipped in cherry syrup. Which is what Wesker is currently baking. "I think it would be less repulsive if the man ate fetal pigs. How did he make it into S.T.A.R.S. anyway?" He shook his head as he set the finished product onto a plate, and sat a running fan behind it.

Somewhere, not so deep in the mansion, Barry sat, trying to remember the difference between then and than (And yes, there is a difference.), when he smelled his favorite cookies. Like a bloodhound, he jumps and follows the sent, hot on the trail. He dodges monsters and avoids peril, and finally finds the cookies. He claims his prize and, like a feral animal, he jumps on them, shoving them into his mouth as quickly as he can.

In the mean time, Wesker stands, not sure wither he should be mildly amused, or thoroughly repulsed.

"I can't believe that actually worked." Wesker said to himself

After finishing off his cookies, Barry looks up. "Oh, hey Wesker, what's up? Where did you go? We couldn't find you after you sent us to investigate that dangerous room."

Wesker shakes his head. "I went go to the bathroom."

Meanwhile, in the bathroom:

"Of course it's safe. It's just an old bathtub filled with grimy water that smells of death! I'm sure there's something in it. After all, who would look in there for something important or useful?" Maddie coaxed.

Jill unplugs the bathtub. The filthy water drains, and a zombie pops up, and makes a dive for Jill (total room 217 reference). She knocks it over, and steps on its head, splattering zombie ooze allover the god damned place, then goes and vomits.

"Don't think I'm going to hold your hair or fish that lame-ass little beret of yours out of the toilet or anything like that." Maddie warned.

Finished vomiting, Jill flushed, and walked over to Maddie. "I hate you."

Maddie shrugged. "Look at it this way, you found a dagger."

Back in the kitchen:

"Oh, okay!"

"I think it's time to change the subject."

"I'll take Geography for five hundred, please."

Wesker puts his hand to his forehead and said, "No, Barry, this is not a game show. Let's talk about your family. You know, your wife and children?"

"Oh, I like them."

"One would assume."

"Who's One and what is he assuming? What does assume mean?"

"Forget what I just said. Barry, unless you help me kill the rest of the S.T.A.R.S., I'm going to have your family killed."

"I don't think you can kill a star, they're really far away."

"I'm talking about your team mates."

"Are there anymore cookies?"

"FOCUS!"

"What, where?"

Wesker grabs Barry's face and forces him to look at the other. "I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"

"I think so. You are going to make cookies for my family, and we will have a picnic, and you will be my best friend!" (A/N Sorry, I just had to add a little Red VS. Blue humor in there. Anyone else see the final episode? My mom did and she cried.)

"Where in the name of god did you get that? That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I just said!"

"I don't know…"

At this point Wesker decides that he has to take a new route with this. "Barry, did you know it was April Fool's Day?"

"Really? I love April Fool's Day!"

"I know you do, Barry. And because we're," Wesker shuddered to say it, "best friends, let's play a little joke on the other members of S.T.A.R.S., shall we?"

"That's a great idea!"

Wesker got an evil smile on his face (A/N Evil smile… Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?). "I know it is Barry, I know it is."

I came up with three of these, and I couldn't decide which to use, so I'm using them all.

"I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes."

"No, I mean, I don't understand you."

"I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes. Would you like to speak with them? Here." Wesker handed Barry a toy cell phone.

"Karen? Are you there?"

Wesker turned around and made a really high-pitched voice. "Yes, I'm here. You have to do exactly as he says, otherwise he'll have us killed!" Wesker turned around and took the toy back. "You see Barry, you have no choice."

"I'll do anything you say!"

"I thought you'd see it my way."

In the mean time, out in some field, Billy and Rebecca stand, talking for what may be the last time.

"Billy, you know what you said to that Leach Queen?"

"Yeah, I know, it was clever and brave."

"No, no it wasn't. It was really lame. If you hadn't saved my life and helped me through all of this, I don't think I would even want to be your friend anymore."

"Oh…" from there, the ending continues as normal.

As Billy leaves, and Rebecca sniffs the air. "Are- are those jalapeño chip mustered cookies dipped in cherry syrup I smell?" So Rebecca followed the smell.

Thanks to whatever reviewer gave me the idea to do a little thing on Wesker and Rebecca. I forgot who it was, and I'm too lazy to check. I doubt this is what you had in mind, but hell, it's better than nothing is, I think. Oh, and I almost forgot this times's quote!

Haley licks half of a lemon from a cup of lemonade bought at a local carnival "Mmm, lemons. Taste's like boys with boys."

If that makes no sense to you, a lemon is a term used to describe hard core written porn on the internet. We like boys with boys. But, if you read anything else by me, you would know that.


	7. Meet the Trevors

Wow, has it been a long time! I'll explain why in a moment, but first, if any of the chapters are out of order, please tell me, because I was changing some layout issues, and I might have messed things up. On with the whatever you want to call this.

Somewhere, in a Gamestop in the Midwest:

"We're here to pick up Condemned 2: Bloodshot," said Maddie's mom to the counter boy.

"Oh, and how much are used Gamecubes?" Maddie idly added, as hers had finally stopped working

"Used Gamecubes are (light comes down to shine on the counter boy as holy choir breaks out) thirty dollars."

"All right, we'll take one!" says Saint Maddie's Mom.

As the last death masks were placed, the chains on the coffin snapped. Although, how the masks would have an effect on the chains, I don't think anyone could tell you. Creepy shadows cast from candles that are at the wrong angle to project them at the particular spots they are in flickered, the sound of gears that don't really have a use clanked endlessly.

"I have a feeling something bad is going to happen," Jill insightfully said.

"Oh, it can't have anything to do with the surroundings, can it? Go to the coffin."

As they approached, a rather menacing looking zombie rose from the now open casket, appeared to burp up dust, and wipe his face with a clawed hand.

"You didn't tell me that was in there!" Jill screamed.

"I thought it would have been obvious! Besides, he's not that hard to kill. We have massive amounts of incendiary grenades, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…"

Four hits and the super zombie fell, and the only damage Jill sustained was a flaming corpse falling on her.

"Told you so. Now go get the object in the coffin and flip the switch that's not wired to anything and I doubt has some kind of other signal that could open up the gate." Ever obedient, she did just that, "now come on, we have more to do!"

They left, and went to the place where you use the object. They passed through the now unlocked gate, and left via the door down the stairs. After passing an amusing sign post, Jill received a transmission from Barry about a monster in chains that guns can't kill (no on ever tries impalement anymore) and is in the same general area that you are.

"You see, the problem with this is how would he know unless he has been here, but the gate has remained locked the entire time. Oh, the inconsistencies! Anyway, just stop the red weather vane on west, and further down, the blue one on north, and then the gate will open." They did that, but Maddie stopped, "hold on!"

"What now?"

"What morons put these up?"

"Who the hell cares?"

"You didn't notice?"

"Notice what?"

"The directions on the weather vanes are wrong! Stand with your back to the N on the red one and check the map compass (upper left corner) and you can see the red needle tells us we're pointed west, not north. If you were to do the same thing with the blue one, which is roughly in the same position further down, it's directions not only are wrong, but where the red weather vane had an N where you would pass it, this one says red's north in east. On the map, if you stand with your back the E, you're still pointed north, albeit more north west."

"Um, so?"

"This doesn't bother you, not even a little?"

"Not really."

Maddie gave up, and they went through the gate. Jill began to run forward, but Maddie stopped her.

"Stop!"

"Why?"

"You know how crows have things that set them off?"

"Yeah."

"These ones don't like running."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know, just don't run!"

As they walked by, Maddie started to ramble. "How many cemeteries do these people need, for god sakes? This place isn't even that old, and unless they buried some of their failed experiments, they don't even _need_ a cemetery! And the crows, all of these annoying birds! Why in the name of god do they all just sit here like that! It's not unnerving, just annoying!"

By the time she stopped, they had entered the next part of the… whatever you want to call it, mansion grounds, back yard, woods, pointless, the list goes on, a jingling of chains and something that sounds suspiciously like Maddie's mom snoring was heard. "What was that?" "Not much of a threat, come on."

They continued trudging through lots of thick and confusing woods, until they came to a convenient beat up old cabin. "Well, the game isn't going to solve itself, come one."

Inside said decrepit cabin, there was a blazing fire going, a map, and, by the typewriter, was a scrap of a photo and an old journal. After reading it, Maddie said, "wow, she is _years_ ahead of her time. This is the way most people write now!" Not that Maddie had much room to speak. Going back and editing later, she was all like, "WTF how did I not notice all the crazy mistakes?"

They crept around the corner, found a crank, and got the wind crest form the magic box. Jill turned around and began to leave, but Maddie hung back. "I'm going to reorganize the magic box, you go guard the door or something."

Jill walked off, grumbling, "make me do everything, I'll show _her _magic box reorganizing." However, anyone but Jill can see the ulterior motives here. Maddie doesn't do things she does not have to, and in fact, guarding the door is easier than magic box reorganizing. As she walked out of the crappy bed area, she got clocked on the head by Lisa Trevor's wooden manacles. She woke up on the floor. "Oh… I feel like I just got clocked on the head by wooden manacles." Jill then looked up to see the grungy, bloody figure of Lisa Trevor.

"Holy crap!"

"Mwraaa!" which was followed by a gasp and a few gurgles.

"Mom, wake your lazy ass up!" Once again, the sound of a record being swiftly stopped could be heard. Maddie looked around the corner. "Oh, sorry, she just sounds like my mom snoring."

"Your mom might want to see a doctor about that," said Jill.

A mysterious voice then came from nowhere could then be heard saying, "or a coroner!"

"Shut up Ira!"

"Mwraww!"

"Oh, shut up Lisa," Lisa was then shot in the face, well, one of them anyway. After that, while Lisa was distracted, Jill and Maddie ran out the door.

After getting lost in the worlds only linear maze and incinerating a zombie, they found themselves back in the second cemetery, which was still lacking a zombie, and did the magnum puzzle that involves the wind crest, which I can't really of anything funny about that until you actually get the magnum.

"What kind of a paranoid freak would go to all of this trouble to hide a magnum? They didn't even try to get it when the virus got loose."

"Maybe they couldn't get to it."

"Eh, maybe."

Back into the shed and through the other door, Jill received a transmission from Brad, asking for a sign if anyone was alive. "This is Jill, we need help, over!" she waited for a moment, but there was no response.

Somewhere, over Raccoon City:

"This is Jill, we need help, over!" Brad was just about to respond when he remembered the gruesome sights he had seen in the forest. "Well, I didn't hear anything!"

"Shit, it's broken!" "Well, that's life, I guess." After killing some more Cerberuses, they came to a pool. Maddie was just about to jump in, when Jill yelled stop. Maddie sighed.

"Now what, are you afraid of water?"

"No, but do you want to get your gun wet, rendering it useless?"

Maddie rolled her eyes, opened her mouth, and closed it again. "That is a surprisingly good point. But now we need to use the crank to drain the water, and who knows how heavy that drain wall thing could be."

However, Jill managed to do it. "Oh, come on, there is now way in hell that's possible! Do you know how heavy that thing must be?"

"I drink all my milk!" Jill said, proudly.

"I give up, let's go."

They crossed and then cramped themselves in the tiny elevator, and moved down to an area with more pissed crows. As they walked by the fountain, Jill looked in and said, "some kind of transparent creature is swimming around in the water!"

Maddie glanced in and said, "uh, Jill, that's a used condom."

"Oh," said Jill, disappointed.

"Why the hell are we even over here, we need take the path by the waterfall."

Wow, I finally managed an update. First, I lost my copy of Resident Evil, and then my Gamecube breaks! Can you believe that? I finally got a new one, as mentioned above. Oh, and if you're wondering how Condemned 2: Bloodshot was, it was okay, but don't buy it, just rent it. It only takes a few days to beat it. Quote time!

Maddie and Allison are taking a survey in gym.

Allison: "Maybe I should fill in Native American for race. I think I'm like…" she is then interrupted by Maddie. "You're not Native American, you're a fat lesbian!"


	8. The ResiDense

Yes, the title of this chapter is spelled incorrectly on purpose. It has dense at the end instead of dence because dense is also slang for stupid.

Sorry about not writing in forever, I've been lazy again. I don't really have anything witty to say to begin this one, so just dive in.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They then entered the gate that would take them to the Residence. What it was the Residence of, it's hard to say. I think I'm going to go with researchers and sharks. Walking through the almost maze like path, they encountered some very strange whether. Jill, being far taller, was the first to notice.

"Ack! Something fell on my head!"

Maddie looked up, and managed to dodge a falling snake. "It would appear to be raining snakes. Didn't bring an umbrella, did you?"

"What if we get bitten?"

"Blue herbs, duh!"

They continued the rest of the way until the encountered a shabby door that led to into a place almost as filthy as my basement bathroom, and much bigger.

"This place is almost as bad as my basement bathroom!"

"Ew, maybe you should clean it."

"Fuck that, I'm never down there."

Turning the corner and going through a door on the right, they encountred a very odd room that was a mix of a garden and a dungeon. It also had a magic box, a save point and ink ribbon, a first aid spray, kerosene, and I think some other crap. What am I, a walkthrough? While Maddie was typing in the save point, Jill was looking at the rope on the shelf behind the typewriter.

"Hey, this rope looks freshly cut!"

"How the hell can a rope look freshly cut? Dose it ooze rope goo?"

"No, it… shut up."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Leaving the room and back in the hall, Jill took a right. But before she could be warned, Maddie picked a scent. "Hot guy sense tingling! In the mean time, the reckless Jill had stumbled upon a hole in the floor, where a rather large and sentient vine stumbled _upon her_. And, as all things in Resident Evil, it did not want to give candy or flowers, and began to strangle Jill like Wesker on PCP. Maddie passed Jill, then noticed the situation. "Oh, come on, you can just throw the thing off!"

"Merrff!" Jill was beginning to turn blue.

"You big baby!"

After removing Jill from the vine, the box by the bar door was set into place, making an effective anti-strangle rout, and exited via door. There's not much to say here so lets move forward a few frames to outside room 002.

Jill was about to open the door when they heard voices.

"So, best friend, what's the plan?" Wesker felt like throwing up. Why did he need Barry again? At first, he had planed to ditch the morons and collect the combat data and use Barry to lead them to the lab. However, now that he reflected on his plan, he could have skipped the Barry part, come back from the labs and just take them to the labs himself. With these jackasses, they never would have suspected a thing. He decided S.T.A.R.S. had been a bad influence on him.

"You just stay here and try not to swallow any small objects or something. And don't tell anyone you saw me!"

"Yes sir, Mr. Best Friend sir!"

Wesker sighed. "I am so screwed…"

At this point, Maddie could no longer just sand there and listen, so she threw open the door and on not seeing Wesker, grabbed Barry by the neck and began strangling him. "Where is he! I heard him in here! I can _smell_ him!"

Now, by chance alone, Wesker had been standing to the left of the door and had been smashed by its violent opening. As he stumbled from behind it, holding his now broken and bloody nose, he observed Barry being strangled by an unknown female, with Jill standing a few feet away, watching what appeared to be a mixed attempted at an interrogation and murder. Barry was the only one who saw him.

Speaking of Barry, he did not enjoy being strangled. So he opened his mouth and was about to say something when he saw Wesker waving his hands in a "no" fashion, while also mouthing it. Barry, observing carefully (as carefully as one can when being strangled), said "he told me to tell you he's not here." Wesker, in his frustration, did his best to silently stomp his foot then held his head and grit his teeth. Barry, still carefully observing, said, "and then he got his head eaten by angry dinosaurs!"

At this point, everything stopped. Maddie stopped her strangling, Wesker stopped moving, and Wesker's confidence in his plan died. Then, Maddie started her strangling again, and Wesker decided to just run the fuck out of there.

"I am Wesker's little helper, remember?" she said with a strained voice through clenched teeth. "So that means you can tell me where he _is_!"

"Oh, yeah! I forgot that! He went to some labs to do _something_…"

Maddie, still strangling, said thoughtfully "he must have his own way to get into the labs. But how he got away shall always be a mystery! Okay, we have to continue on!" She then stopped strangling Barry and went into the bathroom.

"Barry, who were you talking to?"

"I was talking to… myself!"

"Really! Can you reach me to sound like Wesker?"

"Sure! Just use _smart_ words!"

"Jill, get your retarded ass in here!"

Jill, once in the bathroom, looked around at the deplorable state the room was in, with all the filthy water on the floor and in the tub. "I don't have to unplug that tub, do I?" "No, I just don't want you fraternizing with the idiots."

Speaking of which, Barry was busy examining the blood on the door, (left from Wesker's nose) when a zombie crawled out from under the bed, saw Barry, and began shambling, with arm out as all good zombies should, to its unsuspecting prey. At that time, by some magic force, some loose change fell out of Barry's pocket, and bent to pick it up just as the zombie was about to grab him. Consequently, said zombie's hand smeared the blood on the door, leaving a smeared hand print and making a thump sound. Wesker's nose was very broken, by-the-buy. Upon hearing the thump sound, Barry rightend from his prone position, only for his head to knock the zombie to the floor. "I wonder what that was. Oh, well." with that he left the room, and the zombie gave him the finger.

But back to the bathroom. "Ah, here it is!" Maddie said, finding the key labeled 001.

"What's in that room?" Jill asked, warily eyeing the bathtub.

"More keys."

"How many more keys do we need?"

"More than I would like to count."

Jill sighed, "all right, let's go get the damned thing." At this point, the frustrated zombie burst in the bathroom and attacked Jill, only to be bested by the cheated grenade launcher. As he fell and burned to death, his last thought was, "I should have just gotten take out." Then Maddie began laughing and kicked him.

Walking back to room 001, Maddie looked at the hole in the ground where a vine from Plant 42 had taken up residence. "Hey, Jill, give me the grenade launcher."

Jill eyed her like the previously mentioned bathtub and asked why.

"J need to test a theory, I'll give it right back!"

"Fine, but don't use too much of the ammo."

"I'll try not to use all 191 of them," she said. She then pointed it at the hole and shot one in, the recoil knocking her on her ass. Jill laughed at her. "Shut up and walk by the hole!" Upon trying that, the large, sickly green vine wrapped around Jill's throat. "Hu, fire proof vine… I wonder where I can get some agent orange?"

At this point, Jill threw off the vine by herself this time and fell forward. "That's like the fourth time you've done something like that to me!" She then (A/N think I use the "he/she then" thing a lot, don't I?) ran at Maddie who took out her magnum and pointed it at Jill, who stopped right before she could walk over the hole again. "You were about to be re-strangled, and I save your happy ass. We're even." Jill glared as Maddie walked via anti-strangle rout to the other side. Now to room 001!

Food time! Now a word form our sponsor!

"Maddie, whatcha doin' hun?"

"Taken' a food break, Mom."

Now back to your irregularly scheduled program.

As they walked into the room, the first thing they noticed was a hanging body.

"That's Danny!" came a disembodied voice.

"Hey, wrong game!" exclaimed Maddie.

"What?"

"This is the wrong game! You need to be in Silent Hill 3 (the best game in the series, I might add)."

"Oh, what game is this?"

"REmake! Oh, and if you see Vincent, tell him Maddie loves him and not to go in that last room with Claudia!"

"I'll do that."

"What the fuck was that?" asked Jill.

"Disembodied voice from Lake Side Amusement Park."

"Never heard of it…"

"Duh."

"Whatever, I don't care."

They went further into the room to investigate, finding two handgun magazines, a self defense gun, and bloody suicide note. After reading said note, Maddie wondered aloud, "it would seem that these researchers love to commit suicide. This is the second one tonight. But anyway, this doesn't directly state the how they were infected but it doesn't say anything about being bitten my zombies, and as researchers you would think they would know the mode of infection. Granted, there have been a few such cases of airborne rabies in research labs, but you'd think they'd have better sense than that. What do you think, Jill?"

"I think the dead guy gives me the creeps."

"Yeah, how insightful. We should head to the bathroom now."

"I went before we came in the helicopter."

"Not like that! There are items in the bathroom that we need!"

Once again, in the bathroom: "Do I have to unplug -" Jill was cut off as a thump was heard as well as ominous music.

"What the crap?" Jill asked.

"Don't worry about it. Let's deal with in here first."

"Alright, I guess… Do I have to unplug this tub too?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Can you at least spot me?"

"Fine." Maddie said, moving into position in front of the mirror so the corpse on the floor as well as the tub could be watched. The tub was drained and no zombie got up, and the one on the floor seemed perfectly content to stay where it was for the time being, so the pair left the room after retrieving the key in the bathtub.

Back in the room, the hanged man was getting up from the floor after tripping over a CD player, hence the annoyingly ominous music.

"You're telling me that zombies can't step out of a bathtub but are dexterous enough to undo a noose?" Maddie said. "Whatever…" she then blew off his head and shot the CD player. "Right. How about a swim, Jill?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That's not even all I have written. I'm just too lazy to continue, and that sounded like a good spot to stop. Quote time!

My friend is talking about not wanting to do something, I don't remember what.

Maddie: "Tell them you have to go hunt dinosaurs in Antarctica."

Alice: "I can't tell them that, I don't like the cold!"

Maddie: "And that's the only problem you have with excuse?"

Alice: "And all the dinosaurs are dead."


	9. Guess Who's for Dinner?

Never thought you'd see an update this fast from me, now did you?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"What are you talking about?"

"You'll see."

"Why do you have to be so mysterious?"

"It makes life more fun."

"Fun for you, maybe."

"If you knew half of the shit we have to do, would you continue?"

Jill thought for a moment before replying, "no."

"I didn't think so,"

"How do you know so much of what we have to do, anyway?"

"Well why don't you? Weren't you people briefed on the situation or something?" Maddie said, dodging the question.

"Well how the hell were we supposed to know that there would be zombies and stuff?"

"Precisely, now come one!"

"Whatever. Wait, what?" But by this time, it was far too late.

They ran back (well, Maddie doesn't run, despite numerous failed from gym teachers and doctors) to room 002. Inside, Maddie observed the conspicuously placed book shelves.

"These book shelves seem rather conspicuously placed," she said. She put her shoulder to the left one and pushed with all of her might. But alas, no movement. "Jill, move the bookshelves!"

"Why, Miss Perfect not strong enough?"

"Obviously not!" Jill sauntered over to the bookshelves, tripped, and fell.

"Yeah, you just stick with tromping around," said Maddie, amused.

"I hate you…" was the muffled response from the floor.

After Jill got up and moved the book shelves around, the pair descended the newly revealed ladder. What they came to was a long, wide, and curved concrete hallway. Quite the contrast of the dim, rustic Residence above.

"Quite the contrast of the dim, rustic Residence above," said Maddie.

"Sure, why not?" Replied Jill.

After a quick examination, a simple box puzzle was revealed. "Right, push the one closest to the water in, then the one behind it, or in front of it, depending on you point of view, and finally the first one we saw."

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Hello, not strong enough?"

After the boxes were in place, Maddie began her observing. "Those boxes don't look like they were made well enough to not have cracks or holes in them, so it's odd that they float. You'd also think they'd have something in them."

"Maybe they were waiting to be filled."

"Perhaps. But another thing is when you walk on them, wouldn't you expect them to sink just a little, at least?"

After crossing, with absolutely no box sinking, they turned a corner and came to an incline whose lower point was flooded by water that appeared to have leaked from behind the doors. Now, apparently this was water was _gun safe _water, as the two went through the door without any hesitation. Once inside, Jill was mystified by the huge amount of water.

"Awesome! Last one in is a rotten corpse! (Apparently the place was really starting to have an effect)" She was just about to take off her shirt (though where she would put it to keep it dry was unknown) when Maddie yelled stop.

"What now?"

"You want to get half naked and swim in this water that most likely is a cesspool for chemicals and diseases?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"How about giant mutant sharks?" (A/N: Where to put the commas here, if any at all, is a very hard thing to decide. Are they sharks that are giant _and_ mutant, mutant sharks that are _giant_ or just plain ol' _giant mutant sharks_? As you can see, I'm just going to go with the latter, and possibly a sandwich. I'm starved.)

"Well if it had those I wouldn't."

"Well, they're right there!" Maddie exclaimed, pointing to the right. Jill followed her finger and indeed, there were giant, mutant shark. (going with different comma placement, just to mix it up a bit)

Without verbal comunication, they made their decision to run. Oddly enough, a human running through water is faster than a giant mutant shark. (Again, changing commas.) They managed to make it to a door on the far end. A locked door.

"Key, you moron, you have the key!" Jill managed to find the oddly shaped control room key and shoved it in the lock.

"I thought we were shark food!" Jill panted, once safely inside.

"Yeah, and you're the jackass who wanted to go for a swim. Lets just hope our legs don't rot off from that water."

They went down a ladder and into what seemed to be a control room. Hence the "control room key". Maddie glanced over at what appeared to be a schematic for the room. On said schematic, it said, "Incase of a drop in oil pressure control, open valve 3." In the mean time, Jill was busy looking at the controls. She found one that drained the water from aqua ring and tried to initiate drainage. At that point, one of the sharks rammed its face, snout, whatever sharks have, directly into the glass, cracking it. Apparently, Umbrella used Windex to clean. Or did, before they all died. A computerized voice then blared (along with an alarm and a red light) "Warning! Unidentified source of pressure. Locking all doors to achieve maximum safety!"

"What did you do?" Maddie screamed.

"I just tried to drain the water and a shark rammed into the window!"

"Whatever! What did that voice say it was doing again? This is a dumb mechanism! Where is the safety?" Finding it, she released it, then the pressure; all the while Jill was making faces at the shark. The steel covers came halfway down as 30 percent pressure was reached. Apparently, there was an unsafe drop in oil pressure. "That thing said valve 3!" Looking around, she saw no valve and looked in the halls. There it was, hiding in the corner. "Reaching 50 percent pressure. Activate emergency drain immediately." "Fuck." Again, the safety had to be released, but the pressure shelter worked now. However, all of the alarms were still going off. Maddie shoved Jill out of the way and drained the water. And I _just _realized that this was a very unfunny paragraph. "Hooray! We did it!" Shouted Jill. Maddie sighed. "Come on, let's go look around," she said, exasperated.

After some item grabbing, the were back inside the tank, only now it was drained and dripping water to the effect that it looked almost like rain. Broken, water logged equipment lay everywhere, along with a flopping shark that Maddie took great pleasure in shooting. They then came to an area that was lower than the rest. Here the water stayed, along with an absurdly large shark. At the very back was a little island made of mesh steel with some sort of equipment on it. Once on it, Maddie went to grab the key when the shark came to life, knocking off the key as it reared back.

"Shit, he's going to eat us!" Jill cried and began to shoot. "I wish," Maddie mumbled, and, finding a large amount of strength from nowhere, pushed the podium shaped control panel in the water and turned on the power. The shark reared once again, but this time in its death throes as god knew how much electricity fried him. All the while Maddie laughed madly as it rolled on its side and died.

"Oh, my god! Did you see that! That was like, the coolest thing I've ever seen! Do it again! Do it again!" But alas, her temporary source of entertainment was gone. "Damn… But what I want to know is how that stuff was sill working after being under water and how we weren't electrocuted as well! Damn inconsistencies! Oh well…"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

That seemed to seem like a good place to end, as I feel a nap coming on. And the quote this time is:

"I'm magic. I'm a fucking unicorn." -Andrew, on being magic.


	10. Of Killer Bees and Other Stuff

Somewhere, deep in the bowls of the Chicago Land Area, the sound of a shower could be heard. Also, I haven't gone over this, so there's probably a lot of mistakes. Deal with it.

"So, what's on the list today, Ira?" Maddie asked from behind the shower curtain. The bathroom had a wired layout, so one could sit on the toilette and not see the shower.

"Shower, check. Breakfast, track down Cillian Murphy, watch Spongebob, lunch, dear god, I don't even want to say that one out loud…"

"Is that the one with-"

"Yes, yes it is. Do nails, destroy niece, call Haley. You have no perception of time, do you? You woke up at 1:49. You have laser tag at six."

"Shut up, Ira."

"Oh, look, Resident Evil parody. I'm moving that one up to now."

"Fine, just hand me my bathrobe." Maddie's hand came out from behind the shower curtain and Ira handed her her bathrobe. "Just let me eat breakfast first."

"You already had breakfast."

"Did I? Well, I'm eating it again." About ten minuteslater, Maddie came back with a bowl of curry noodles, started playing Making Fiends on the internet, and began to write.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

(continuing right where we left off, go read a few line from the last chapter if you forgot)

Maddie jumped off the platform and grabbed the key from they still twitching sharks. Back through soggy corridors and ladders, through a previously locked door, and finally back up the ladder.

"What now?"

"Well, as we are now in possession of the _gallery key_, my guess would be to go to the gallery."

"Like an art gallery?"

"I don't really think it has anything with displays, so why it's a gallery I really couldn't say." she said. Jill once again ignored Maddie's omnipotence. Once in the gallery, Maddie exclaimed, "oh, hey! It has red ropes around that central table. I've never noticed that before. What is it supposed to be displaying?"

"It looks like an old spinning wheel and various assorted jars."

"Why would they be displaying that? What a bunch of freaks." At this point in time, Jill decided to get stung by giant, mutant killer bees.

"Ow! I just got stung by giant, mutant, killer bees!"

"My god! Were these guys bored or what? How many things did they fuck with? What's next? Zombie chairs?"

"I think they should have used giraffes."

"Yeah, that would be WTF-tastic. But where would they keep it? It would have to be in the main hall or the Plant 42 room. Would a zombie giraffe only eat other giraffes, or would it eat people too?"

"I don't know. I've never met one." Then there occurred that record scratching sound again.

"For awhile there, you were being sort of cool, but you just ruined it."

"What did I do?"

"Never mind. Come on."

Dodging bees and going down a cleverly hidden in plain sight hallway, they came across a corpse with a contorted expression of pain on his face. He was also holding something.

"He's holding something." said Jill.

"Insecticide spray, hu? Now why would a guy with that be stung to death? Ironic, is it not?"

"Ow, I just got stung again! Can you hurry up?"

In the mean time, Maddie had decided something. She'd tell Jill what to do with the bug spray and go poke the hopefully still twitching shark. Monster bees can be dangerous, after all. And if one must risk a pawn, so be it.

"I'm going to tell you how to use the insecticide spray while I go take care of some business, okay?"

"I get to do something on my own?"

"Yes, yes you do."

After the explanation, the two parted ways temporally/permanently, Jill removed the map as instructed, followed by some bees flying out of the hole in the wall. Some attacked Jill, while a few more continued down the hall. After incinerating the bees (cheated grenade launcher, remember?) and then spraying them with something that killed them quick enough that it would most likely damage a human's lungs as well, Jill heard a sexy voice shout, "god damned bees! These idiots! If I had just stayed here none of this would have happened! But no, I wanted to leave the lab, get some social life, be in contact with _normal people!_ A bunch of fuck ups, more like! Jesus, I hate my life."

"Captain Wesker!" Jill cried, enthused the he was alive. After all, a girl had to have some eye candy in the office, even if said candy was asexual.

Wesker looked up and thought for a moment about how to make Jill forget what he had just said. "Jill, forget everything you just heard!"

She saluted, "Sir, yes Sir!"

He let out a sigh of relief. Thank god for morons, he thought. But he still hated her. This, however, was no time for reflection on bad choices as there was the pressing matter of the unknown adolescent female asphyxiating Barry. Now, how to put that in layman's terms so Jill could understand that? "Jill, who is the girl that was choking Barry?"

"She says she's your helper."

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Well, as I don't have anymore written, and I really do have to go to laser tag, I decided that I would just leave you with a cliff hanger. And now for your quote!

"Why are you wearing a retainer?"

"Because I like the feel of plastic on my teeth." (it was one of those clear plastic ones)

Maddie and Haley on retainers.


End file.
